Best Recommended Alcoholic Beverages for Exercise

Image courtesy Red Wagon Shoppe

You souses deserve to be told straight-up and in bullet-pointed format which particular alcoholic beverages are best for sessions of strenuous exercise. Said information has not been available on this blog since Blogspot shut me down and torched my content over all the drug jokes that supposedly violated their terms of service.

This information is based on a series of experiments conducted in 2008 and 2009 on runs on 5-8 miles, each time utilizing a different alcoholic beverage as the variable. I’ve only gone running on these beverages. Other forms of exercise may bring out unique advantages or drawbacks for each listed booze. If you know how, let me have it in the comments.

THE GOOD

Image courtesy Paul Meiss Beercam

BEER – The obvious and ubiquitous one, and the one we most associate with enjoying after a workout. Also can be enjoyed during a workout. The variable to look for here is alcohol content, as sometimes you want to show some restraint — and sometimes you don’t. Alcohol content is always listed on the label. Your Colt 45s and Olde Englishes will eff you the fuck up pretty quickly. Beers with the word “Ice” in the title also run very high in alcohol percentage. Microbrews like Sam Adams or Sierra Nevada will tend to run a little higher in alcohol content, mass-produced commercial beers like Busch or Coors or Miller tend to run a little lower. That 1.5% difference may not sound like much, but after three beers it’s the equivalent of having drank a whole ‘nother beer.

WINE – Not enough is said about how good red wine is on a long run. The buzz comes on nice and clean, and there’s no carbonation or fizziness to bother your stomach. White wine is also nice, but gets slightly funky as it warms up.

WHISKEY, SCOTCH, VODKA – These are very good ‘adrenaline’ liquors. They may burn on the way down, but are generally not that noxious once they’re in your stomach.

THE BAD

Tequila, A. Sanchez, 2004

TEQUILA – Tequila is that noxious once it’s in your stomach. You can lessen the impact with a margarita, but you’ve still got tequila in you. You gotta be careful in that situation.

CHAMPAGNE – The fizzy carbonation is not going to help you at all, and the high sugar content can lead to upset stomachs or headaches. Mimosas are less toxic, but still have the same fundamental issues.

JAGERMIEISTER, OUZO, FERNET – These anise-based liquers — the ones that taste like licorice or black jellybeans — will give you horrible, unpleasant burps. Your stomach will never feel OK. I do love these drinks, but I tell you they are not good for exercise.

THE CHRONIC

MARIJUANA – Several of you have noted in the comments your deep enjoyment of reefer on multiple-mile runs. I am going to go into a lot more detail on this once Proposition 19 passes.